Not How I Planned

So Sorry for the lack of posts… Law school is hard. Lol

So we had oral arguments last week in Law School. Mine went well, but it’s bascially a Q and A with the judges about your case, more than a speech. I learned that the oral argument will never go the way you planned, and its all about how you go with the flow, and get up from the push downs and stand your ground on the serious things, and handle the surprise of the questions.

Life is a lot like an oral argument. It too never goes as you planned. It’s about living in the moment and handling the things that try to side track you. It’s about falling down and getting back up. It’s about going with the flow and letting go of how you though it “should” be.

So many things in my life are not the way I planned. Everything, literally, everything took longer than I imagined. I thought by 23 I would be a married, 26 be a lawyer, and maybe considering kids, or staring my own practice. That’s not what happened.

Now I’m almost 26, and single. Had one relationship ever, and I was sure it would end in marriage but it didn’t. I’m also only a 1L still in law school and in no way am I ready to care for a child. I’m still not doing a great job taking care of my self. lol

God has been teaching me that it’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay to acknowledge a fall and its okay to not be fully recovered the second you get back up. I somewhere got it in my head that you had to get back up immediately and pretend like you never fell at all. Acknowledging the fall and recovering from it is the beauty of it.

I fell down. I’ve fallen down a lot. I had a dean of the school tell me to drop out because the degree I was pursuing was “not something I could do.” It was all I had to tell that man that I refused to go down without a fight. I left his office and cried.

I had a professor sit down with me to review my final exam and he told me my D- grade was “frankly, too kind” because it was really and F exam. This was an exam I had killed my self to study for and killed my self to make it perfect. It was the very best I had to give at the time.

Oh, and while all this was going on I broke up with my boyfriend of 2+ years.

You don’t go though that and not come out with a little bit of a scar on your self esteem, to say the least.

I spent so much of this year discounting myself. I have spend so much time thinking I wasn’t good enough to be here in law school, that I got in by mistake. I spent a lot of time thinking I was no good compared to my class mates, that I was less and that couldn’t be what they were. I spent more time envying them for having what I wanted to badly when all along Ive been doing the same work as them.

It’s time I stopped thinking I’m less and started seeing my self as worthy. Hell, I got in to law school. Not just any law school a good law school. I took the same LSATS, and I wrote a damn good admissions essay. Out of all the applicants they choose me. I was most qualified to be a student. They believed in me. Why shouldn’t I?

I’m going to start thinking I got this, because I am capable. This is not a fluke, this is the facts.

They say when it’s Gods plan it all falls in to place, when it’s not god plan it feels in disarray.

This law school experience, everything fell in to place. I needed to get in to law school and they accepted me. I needed my sister to get in to U of I with me and she got in. We needed an apartment and the perfect one just opened up. I needed money for the first and last months rent on the new apartment and I just happened to get a huge paycheck from work.

It all fell together. I’m seeing it happened but my brain won’t let me see the grace of Jesus’s hand on me. I just see a failure. I need to start seeing whats in front of me and that’s order and blessing from the lord.

I will be a lawyer. I will succeed. I will be the best damn lawyer that Kyra can be. And I will forget the face of defeat and remember the face of grace and ordained steps.

Watch me shine….

Like Oral Arguments, it doesn’t always go as planned and thats okay. God plan is better than anything you planned anyway. Just rest in the peace of his way not your way.