Don’t You Dare Stop Now

I wrote this poem 7 years ago. It’s long I know. It’s a crappy poem, I also know. But it was as much raw emotion as I felt at the time. It’s extremely personal… I even hesitate to post it but I figured that it was legit how I felt and I have a right to feel what I feel, and write about it… in crappy poems. lol

Digging for Buried Treasure:
Written: Wednesday May 18th 2011, 8:30AM
Dirt under my nails
Sweat in my eyes
A thirst I can hardly, bare
Hike the shovel in the ground
Scoop up the dirt
Toss it
Repeat, over and over again
Where is the treasure?
The X marked the spot
As I dig deeper
My imagined scent of gold grows thicker
How good it will be
To lay eyes on accomplishment
To drink cool water
Rest my callous
Wipe away the sweat
Soon enough…
Clink
The shovel hits something solid
My heart asks “the treasure?”
My brain asks “another rock?”
Dust it off…
Hopes high…
Another rock
Get back up start digging more
Now here comes evil to kick me as I dig
As hard as it can
Evil even decides to throw dirt back in
Almost as fast as I can dig out
I fall down in pain,
Another cracked rib
But i jump back up,
ready to keep digging
Harder Faster, all i can think
To advance the hole seams
Hopeless, impossible
When all my hope is gone,
Kicked down
I don’t jump up anymore
I slowly pull all that is in me
Maybe even a little more
And crawl to my knees,
To be kicked again,
Crunch, another rib broken
The cold ground on mt face
The Dust in my lungs
Maybe I should just lay here
The time I waste contemplating
My whole fills more and more
Tears streaming now,
Deep breath,
Cough,
Slowly through a wimpier, exhale
and pull my self up with a strength,
Not my own
Expecting another kick,
I stand, Dust off,
Keep digging
Finally i am caught up,
starting to advance,
never stop to notice a faint smile return,
as Evil has left,
Clink
My heart sinks,
afraid to believe,
afraid to hope,
more tears fall as i bend to dust away,
to reveal,
What?
Eyes closed,
all the hope i have left,
move the dirt,
exhale,
another rock,
Pain all rushes back,
My fear was right,
Tanting me more,
fall on my face crippled in pain
scared, hopeless,
lost, alone
dying in sorrow,
Why? not again!
The X Marked the spot!?!
Then a Voice not my own,
“Sweet daughter, keep digging,
To you i could never lie”
hang my head,
Try to move,
I can’t do it again
Cripple in pain,
My ribs all broken
regret, anger, rage
I don’t know any more
Wham, kicked again
Evil, is back now
only now do i notice he had left
Ready to give up,
The voice again,
“You are more”
The pain i can’t take,
can barley breathe,
Ribs all broken,
Callous’s Bleeding,
tears streaming,
Making clean lines down my dirty face
I rise to keep fighting,
with all i have i scream,
It comes out as a whisper
“i choose to keep digging”
Start digging harder,
Faster than ever,
Running only on adrenalin,
not stopping to breathe
KICK KICK KICK
I keep digging
I fall but jump back up again,
Rise to keep fighting,
Evil leaves,
I don’t stop to notice
Just keep going,
Eye only on the prize
Advancing again,
Hope building back up
Even a sick smile
stretches accross my face
Tears of pain fall
Then like a slap in the face
Clink
My heart sinks,
Theoretically hope is easy,
now it’s time to be real.
now it’s here i am crippled in fear
Fall to my knees, begging for the voice
Just a word,
Please
Please
Please
In silence,
I wanna lye down,
give up cry
Die
It would be to hard to see another rock
I can’t do this again
I will not
Begin to lie down,
This is all over,
A whisper
“I said you were more”
Not a think left,
not a tear to cry,
So thirsty
So tired,
so weak,
So much pain
Eyes closed,
Dust away,
nothing not but to open and see
A quick prayer to a God i hope exist
Crying so hard,
Can’t hardly breathe
Terrified to open my eyes to see
Suddenly a had from behind extends over mine
Like it’s lifting it to help it move
taking my hand over the moved dirt
All in a swift motion
even a whisper
“It’s okay, I have you”
With a strength i don;t have
this was impossible
I open my eyes
Another rock,
Angry now, hurt
Played, dead
Just kill me instead,
You sick meaning less voice
Evil back to kick me
I scream in pain,
Punch the rock,
knuckles broken
I’m done.
Leave me her to be kicked to death
From no where the voice
i despise
“if it where easy to find the treasure,
them it could not be this great,
If every one could keep going,
it could not be this great,
i made you able to finish this battle
you are more, and i love you”
Like a poof gone again,
Lying in sorrow,
lost,
too tired, and weak to care
i’m finished
Eyes closed i feel my heart slowing done,
All of me is giving up at once
death a minuet away,
I can actually see a light
Then, an idea,
Crazy one too
Move the rock
what do you have to loose?
I yell the answer in the silence
“Everything”
Almost in spite,
I rise to knees,
Using one arm,
with broken knuckles
to support my broken ribs,
I open my eyes,
Just me and the rock
Using my only good limb,
I begin to slide the rock
hardest thing i have ever done
Bam,
the ground beneath
peaced with a light
the ground under me crumbles
i fall through
Falling suddenly my pain is gone,
my ribs healed,
My thirst quenched,
rested,
My lungs clear
my hands washed,
Even clean clothes
I fall in to the arms
Of the one who loves me
“Your One in a Million,”
he said
How could i have ever been mad,
at the one who loves me
more than air
I am more,

I’m one in a Million.
I wrote this poem 7 years ago. I was in dismay at the pain life was throwing at me. It seemed like it was taunting me with almost being over then turned out to be “nothing but a rock”, I was heart broken and hurt, but the joy of the forthcoming victory that I believed in was still in my heart and kept me going. The poem is intended to be overly dramatic and painful, that’s how I felt. I wanted the journey to the victory to be over so badly but I kept hitting rocks. 
Just thought I would share it with you all, to remind you that there is a way where there is no way. Just when you think you have hit another rock, just when you can’t move forward another step, God has a plan. A plan to prosper you and to fulfill your greatest desires. He can move rocks to show buried treasure. He can knock down evil. He can carry you while you walk through hell. 
To all of you walking on thin ice on borrowed strength, you’re almost there. Don’t you dare stop now. 

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