That Moment

You know when you are doing something that takes all your strength, and you hit a point where you are not sure how much longer or how much more you can take. Where you choose to keep going, not stop, give more, and I don’t know, the point where you cross the line between what you think your capable of and head in to what you are actually capable of?

I live for that moment. The choice to keep going is yours and 99% of the time, you had more in you than you thought you did.

When I go to the gym I always, always over do it and then can’t go back for a few days, lose out on the habit of it and quit going. It’s a endless cycle. The reason for that is a sickness inside of me that I love to push myself. I love to see how far, how hard, how much I can take. I enjoy that moment when you are so done running that you can’t take another step, but you choose to do it anyway. That moment when your lifting weights and hear your body saying I can’t do a single more rep but you choose to ignore that and try for one more.

I think this is why I take rejection so hard. Because I don’t just give it my best, I give it all I am capable of. If all I am capable of is earning rejection thats not good enough for me. Now, if it’s something stupid like my inability to cook then sure I can live with that. However, there are somethings where not being able to do it is not going to satisfy me and I simply can’t live with my self if I can’t complete that task. There is only one thing in my life where I am like “Ya, I can’t live not being capable of that.” I believe in a way they call that a passion. Not being able to take no for an answer. Of course, I will never be an astronaut, or a olympic gymnast, and hell I’d love to be either of those things but I just can’t and those I can accept my inadequacy, but this one thing. No. I have to reach this goal. I have to do this. I have to be a a lawyer.

I once had professor sit before me and tell me I was not good enough to be a lawyer.  He used the analogy of this he said “Now I can’t do X, but thats nothing to be ashamed of, so if you can’t do this, and I’m saying you can’t then it’s nothing to be ashamed of, its just not who you are.” Yes, I paraphrased but thats what I got out of the conversation. That and I learned I could not cry for a very long time when I really wanted to.

That conversation just lit a fire under me. Like hell I will take no for an answer. Like hell I will let him be right. In my mind it has nothing to do with ability, its all about how bad you want it. and, I. Want. This.

That moment where you can’t go any further comes often, sometimes it’s small, i.e. “do I have it in me to read one more page?” sometimes its bigger, “do I have it in me to go to law school?” The point is this. I live for that moment. I love going past what I think I am capable of and seeing what God has me capable of. He put me here with a purpose and I’m going to make sure that I give everything I have.

This is my moment.