Anxiety

I have Anxiety.

I hate being anxious. It is not the same as worry. It’s completly different. 

Being around people, noises, lights. Just everything makes me anxious and takes such a toll. Most people don’t know how much it takes from a person to be anxious all day.
Heart pounding, muscles tightening, holding my breath, upset stomach, feeling. It takes 70% of all body systems to be anxious.
That moment when you just hit your limit  and wanna throw everything and cry. I feel like I’m seconds away from that moment at points and it’s terrible. 
I get so irritated with myself. I wish I wasent this way. I wish I didn’t have to fight it and could be normal. 
Having aspergers I’ve become quite the actress but acting at school all day like everything is fine and I’m relaxed is hard, stressful and exhausting, ontop of the exhausting anxiety.
There is hope though. One: medication and that helps, also you get use to some things, routine helps.
I have to say that the thing that helps the most is my boyfriend. 
That moment when babe can see I’m anxious and puts an arm around me and whispers “it’s okay baby, relax.” That really does help. Being around him takes the pressure off. On some level I know nothing can be that bad if he’s there. 
My favorite part of the day is after school when we go to his place, where I’m comfortable. I wrap up in a big soft blanket so I feel secure. I lean against his warm chest and he wraps his arms around me and holds me wile we watch Netflix, in the dark, not too loud just the way I like. To me I can’t imagine a better place. I’ve never felt more safe than there in his arms. The world could fall around me but there it dosent matter im safe, loved and happy. 
As much as I get mad at myself for being anxious, and autistic, and ADHD, and annoying and OCD, and weird being with him im learning to care for my self in another way. 
Nothing he loves can be bad, nothing he cares for that deeply, can ever be that bad.
It’s okay to need to be held at the end of the day. It’s okay to need to recover. What’s not okay is not working to overcome it.
In the words of Babe…
Baby steps.

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