Fair warning before I even begin here, I don’t want negative feedback. If that would be your comment to me, please keep it to yourself. Also, I am going to talk about things in the way I understand them, I may not be 100% correct, and I most defiantly am not an expert. Finally, this is hard for me to talk about, be kind and know that I may not be very clear.
All my life I have felt different. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I was different. I just thought I was different because God made me that way. I never saw the need to do things like everyone else and so I did things my own way. It made me happy so I never questioned it too much.
In November of 2012 I discovered I was a synethete. This was the first time I ever contemplated that my mind could legitimately be wired differently than normal people. It was my research in synesthesia that made me question how I experienced life compared to how other people experienced. I was truly perplexed by the vast unknown. Since I had only ever lived life in my own ind how would I ever know if my mind was any different. I always just assumed I was normal. Synesthesia made me see that maybe I wasn’t.
Learning this led me down to questioning school. School has always been a huge problem for me. My question came to be was it the Synesthesia that made it so hard for me? and makes it so hard for me now? Being diagnosed with ADHD made me finally have this new light. Oddly, it made me feel relieved. Like the pressure was off, It was not that I was just stupid and incapable, a feeling I had felt most of my school career, a feeling that lead me to fight so hard to prove those feelings wrong. It was not me that was broken, it was the ADHD.
Since my diagnosis, things have been better. Yet, at the same time, I still see, and feel… different. Even more so than the ADHD community of people I have come to know. This lead me down the amateur psychology hunt again, which is how I found out about ADHD.
This is the part that is touchy.
So I was stumbling around on ADHD forums and I ran across a woman’s school accommodations list for her child with ASD. I had never heard of ASD and had no idea what it was. So I googled it. Autism Spectrum Disorder. I knew what autism was. There was a child with it I knew way back when. For him it was pretty bad. I knew kids with autism where smart yet not able to communicate normally and had problems with social stuff. Anyways, so as I read further I got on the Wikipida page and it talked about Autism Spectrum Disorder as encompassing three disorders. So I boringly clicked on each one and read about the first two and nothing stood out I was mostly just glancing, not off on a tangent and no longer looking for myself, I was looking out of pure curiosity. I finally clicked on the last link for Aspergers Syndrome. I started to read it and certain things started to stick out. Lack of empathy, clumsy, seems to misinterpret or not understand social interactions. I admit I was curious but I thought nothing of it at this point.
The next day I was on Tumblr and decided to search the tag Aspergers Syndrome. As I started to read the experiences of “Aspies” I started to notice how much they where like me. Initially, I was scared. I quickly stopped looking in to it. However, a desire to understand why that was lead me to research more.
The more I find on Aspergers Syndrome, the more I identify with it. The smallest things I identify with. Liking the weight of my blanket on me when I sleep. I will sleep with my huge down comforter regardless of how hot I am. I would rather me hot and feel safe in my blanket than take the blanket off. I go to sleep wide awake and wake up exhausted. When I was a kid I played with my toys differently than the other kids when I played barbies, I wanted to set up there house and brush all there hair and put all there tinny things in their back packs and line them up. I had no intrest in making them talk to each other. I liked legos and riding my bike. I was not really one for imagination or it made me uncomfortable. Other kids seamed to accept it easier than I did.
My next step was taking some online Aspergers Syndrome screening questioners. The first one I took I scored a 40, a 20-31 is considered that there is the possibly that you may have it. Naturally, I retook the test. This time more conservatively. This time I scored a 39.
This freaked me out. I was unsure how to even process this information. When I was googling it and such I ran across some things like “Autistic people should all be killed” or “they should not be allowed to be parents” and that stuff really really upset me, especially because I was identifying with a lot of the characteristics.
After stewing over the information I had for about a month I finally got up the nerve to call my doctor. After all the research I did I learned that most people just go on a self diagnosis, but for me, I have to actually know. I had decided that ether way I needed to know. There was still the thought that maybe the hypochondriac in me was taking over and I was just a crazy person. Or that I was looking for another thing to blame for my short comings.
Regardless, I had to know. So I finally called (a new doctor than my current) and told the lady I wanted to talk to a doctor about Aspergers Syndrome. She quickly told me who I wanted to talk to and then told me that this guy had a open appointment that day, and that then next one was a month away. So as unprepared as I was I decided to take the appointment. Because of the timing, I would not be able to get back to my computer before the appointment so I only had the info I had collected on my phone.
Anyway, after a very nerve racking appointment I got a referral to a psychologist. I liked the guy I talked to. He listened to me and asked very good questions and had a good knowledge base. The things I was most worried about didn’t happen. I was worried he would ask things like “why is this important” and stuff like that. He understood what I was after. After he had let me talk and asked me questions for 40 min he finally explained, that in the 40 min I had been there with him, he felt that I should take this to the psychologist they refer to. HE said that having ADHD puts me on the autism spectrum (for the record Syn is on the spectrum to) and that it’s rare to just have ADHD. He said that compared to the aspies he knew and was treating i didn’t come off the same way, yet that no to aspies come off the same. He agreed with me that I have a case worth looking in to. He validated that I am recognizing that I am different and I have a right to know why.
So where does this leave me? Honestly, I feel like nothing has changed. I still feel as uncertain as before. I wish some informed party would just tell me. I am this or I am not this. I think that, that is what I want, I really don’t care what that answer is as long as I know one way or the other. I had to come to realize that I am still Kyra, no matter what.