Happy Birthday Jesus!

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How Blessed I Am

Madison, thank you. Although my thank you will never be able to cover how thankful I really am. You mean the world to me and I truly love you to death. I don’t know where I would be with out you. I love having your wit, humor, and honesty. I trust you with my life. When I step back and think about the best friend I was given, I am astounded. God has blessed me beyond what I could even fathom. Knowing that in your eyes, I can do no wrong makes me strive to be a better person. I feel  unconditionally loved, and like we said tonight, you really don’t understand, until you do. I’m so glad that our paths were divinely crossed. Your just amazing and there is no other way to say it. Thank you for being you. (insert emoji heart and christmas tree)

The Hunt

Fair warning before I even begin here, I don’t want negative feedback. If that would be your comment to me, please keep it to yourself. Also, I am going to talk about things in the way I understand them, I may not be 100% correct, and I most defiantly am not an expert. Finally, this is hard for me to talk about, be kind and know that I may not be very clear. 

All my life I have felt different. Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I was different. I just thought I was different because God made me that way. I never saw the need to do things like everyone else and so I did things my own way. It made me happy so I never questioned it too much. 
In November of 2012 I discovered I was a synethete. This was the first time I ever contemplated that my mind could legitimately be wired differently than normal people. It was my research in synesthesia that made me question how I experienced life compared to how other people experienced. I was truly perplexed by the vast unknown. Since I had only ever lived life in my own ind how would I ever know if my mind was any different. I always just assumed I was normal. Synesthesia made me see that maybe I wasn’t. 
Learning this led me down to questioning school. School has always been a huge problem for me. My question came to be was it the Synesthesia that made it so hard for me? and makes it so hard for me now? Being diagnosed with ADHD made me finally have this new light. Oddly, it made me feel relieved. Like the pressure was off, It was not that I was just stupid and incapable, a feeling I had felt most of my school career, a feeling that lead me to fight so hard to prove those feelings wrong. It was not me that was broken, it was the ADHD. 
Since my diagnosis, things have been better. Yet, at the same time, I still see, and feel… different. Even more so than the ADHD community of people I have come to know. This lead me down the amateur psychology hunt again, which is how I found out about ADHD. 
This is the part that is touchy.
So I was stumbling around on ADHD forums and I ran across a woman’s school accommodations list for her child with ASD. I had never heard of ASD and had no idea what it was. So I googled it. Autism Spectrum Disorder. I knew what autism was. There was a child with it I knew way back when. For him it was pretty bad. I knew kids with autism where smart yet not able to communicate normally and had problems with social stuff. Anyways, so as I read further I got on the Wikipida page and it talked about Autism Spectrum Disorder as encompassing three disorders. So I boringly clicked on each one and read about the first two and nothing stood out I was mostly just glancing, not off on a tangent and no longer looking for myself, I was looking out of pure curiosity. I finally clicked on the last link for Aspergers Syndrome. I started to read it and certain things started to stick out. Lack of empathy, clumsy, seems to misinterpret or not understand social interactions. I admit I was curious but I thought nothing of it at this point. 
The next day I was on Tumblr and decided to search the tag Aspergers Syndrome. As I started to read the experiences of “Aspies” I started to notice how much they where like me. Initially, I was scared. I quickly stopped looking in to it. However, a desire to understand why that was lead me to research more. 
The more I find on Aspergers Syndrome, the more I identify with it. The smallest things I identify with. Liking the weight of my blanket on me when I sleep. I will sleep with my huge down comforter regardless of how hot I am. I would rather me hot and feel safe in my blanket than take the blanket off. I go to sleep wide awake and wake up exhausted. When I was a kid I played with my toys differently than the other kids when I played barbies, I wanted to set up there house and brush all there hair and put all there tinny things in their back packs and line them up. I had no intrest in making them talk to each other. I liked legos and riding my bike. I was not really one for imagination or it made me uncomfortable. Other kids seamed to accept it easier than I did. 
My next step was taking some online Aspergers Syndrome screening questioners. The first one I took I scored a 40, a 20-31 is considered that there is the possibly that you may have it. Naturally, I retook the test. This time more conservatively. This time I scored a 39. 
This freaked me out. I was unsure how to even process this information. When I was googling it and such I ran across some things like “Autistic people should all be killed” or “they should not be allowed to be parents” and that stuff really really upset me, especially because I was identifying with a lot of the characteristics.
After stewing over the information I had for about a month I finally got up the nerve to call my doctor. After all the research I did I learned that most people just go on a self diagnosis, but for me, I have to actually know. I had decided that ether way I needed to know. There was still the thought that maybe the hypochondriac in me was taking over and I was just a crazy person. Or that I was looking for another thing to blame for my short comings. 
Regardless, I had to know. So I finally called (a new doctor than my current) and told the lady I wanted to talk to a doctor about Aspergers Syndrome. She quickly told me who I wanted to talk to and then told me that this guy had a open appointment that day, and that then next one was a month away. So as unprepared as I was I decided to take the appointment. Because of the timing, I would not be able to get back to my computer before the appointment so I only had the info I had collected on my phone. 
Anyway, after a very nerve racking appointment I got a referral to a psychologist. I liked the guy I talked to. He listened to me and asked very good questions and had a good knowledge base. The things I was most worried about didn’t happen. I was worried he would ask things like “why is this important” and stuff like that. He understood what I was after. After he had let me talk and asked me questions for 40 min he finally explained, that in the 40 min I had been there with him, he felt that I should take this to the psychologist they refer to. HE said that having ADHD puts me on the autism spectrum (for the record Syn is on the spectrum to) and that it’s rare to just have ADHD.  He said that compared to the aspies he knew and was treating i didn’t come off the same way, yet that no to aspies come off the same. He agreed with me that I have a case worth looking in to. He validated that I am recognizing that I am different and I have a right to know why. 
So where does this leave me? Honestly, I feel like nothing has changed. I still feel as uncertain as before. I wish some informed party would just tell me. I am this or I am not this. I think that, that is what I want, I really don’t care what that answer is as long as I know one way or the other. I had to come to realize that I am still Kyra, no matter what. 

Joe Jonas Vulture Essay Reaction

Okay, so as a major Joe Jonas fan I feel the need to discuss my thoughts on this “Essay” written by Joe for New York Magazine.

So initially, I just read the headline “Joe Jonas smoked weed and lost virginity at age 20” I was like what the good golly gosh did I just read this is clearly utter crap (I almost said rubbish, too much English YouTubers) anyways, so I followed the link on like USWeekly, I believe, and was kinda stunned to read the legit quotes from the essay.

Although I have no right to be, and lets face it I’m just some super fan that he will never meet, I felt betrayed by the article. That was an after thought at first I was just pure stunned and had to take it in and read the actual article HERE.
First, I felt guilty for liking the Jonas Brothers that Disney produced. I remember when the music video for Year 3000 came out in 2005 (I was 13) and I was like “Wow there so cute!!!”, I believe I am actually thinking of the Poor Unfortunate Souls Video… Yep I am.

The way Joe wrote the essay, I actually felt like I was a jerk for enjoying Disney’s Jonas Brothers. Like I was responsible for making him miserable. Like Disney was trying to please me at his expence.
I can in a way relate to having to grow up a little bit. I in my years have had my share of having to deal with things that were at the time beyond my years. Demi Lavato put that really well (though I kinda dislike her) she said in her teenaged mind she though that “if I’m old enough to deal with these things that are beyond my years then I feel I was old enough to handle things that I was actually not ready to handle.” I agree. That was me in some ways. I felt that way in my teen years. Back to Joe, I understand where he got that vibe dealing with an adult career at a young age.
After my initial stun I again felt betrayed. I was so suprized that he name dropped and threw both Disney and Hollywood Records under the bus. Like I was taught that no matter the circumstances you NEVER speak ill of people you worked with in the past. I felt it was the immature thing to do. Also the plug at Taylor Swift was just pure tasteless (though I dislike Taylor as well, ironically her song was playing on shuffle when I type that Haha.).

Okay so lets talk about the differetnt things we learned.

  • Weed with Demi and Miley: Big No no in the name dropping as I said, and big no no on the details of Demi’s drug use. Like really, did you seriously go there. I appreciated Demi’s tweet to him later saying she loved him. Props to Demi. (Yes, I just said that). Honestly, we as fans would be pretty nieve to think that he hasn’t smoked weed. Like really, a teen star in Hollywood… I was not that surprised. That goes the same for the underaged drinking (though it was in a place where it was legal) and the getting hammered at 21. 
  • Lost virginity at 20: Okay for reals it’s no one’s business who you choose to sleep with, or uour  sex life in general unless they are directly involved in it i.e. the chick he did it with, (or a doctor) or God (since religiously it’s a cherished thing). Seriously, immature to talk about it. Then to basically say who with (Ashley Geene) and to go on to say he had sex with a Disney star (My suspicion is that it was, Chelsea Stub) and then say that he hooked up a few times wile he was single. Like really, way to sound like a man whore. Also, I kinda think we saw this coming with the serious lack of enthusiasm they showed about the purity rings. Also, again the rock star in LA thing I think we knew he wasn’t a virgin. 
  • The pressure from Disney, Fans and Parents: Okay, as far as Disney, Dylan Sprouse explained that best HERE, Joe and the Jonas Brothers could have said no. They were free to walk. They choose the fame and money for whatever reason over all that they gave up. They could have walked and been signed somewhere else, there was people that would have signed them. Pressure from Fans as I said is frustrating. We would have loved them being honest too. Like haters always going to hate, but the true fans would have stayed even if they were more edgy and more grown up. As far as pressure from their parents. He sounds like the reason the stereo type of pastors-kids-that-lash-out exists. All kids feel pressure from their parents. No one wants to disappoint there parers, we don’t all go and smoke weed, drink and have sex to get over it.
  • More facts about the Jonas Break up: I think it was inevitable, the break up I mean. Lets be honest the recent Jonas Brothers singles kinda sucked. Like decent beat but no flare. Nick is the true musician, Joe was always just a front man, although a decent one, and Kevin was the peace maker between the two. I think that was more truly seen in Joe’s album Fastlife, that frankly was subpar. Whereas Nick’s band’s CD was actually good. I think that now that Kevin is married and has a daughter on the way that became more real that they are better suited moving on. 
Finally, I have to say I feel bad for Joe. All of these things that should have been privately delt with had to be public because of his career path. I understand that, and that is hard. I do feel bad that he felt that he has to get all this off his chest, and that he felt a responsibility to share it. 
All in all, I think he handled the whole thing poorly and should not have written the article. The good news is he is only 24 and has his whole life ahead of him to grow up and hopefully mature in his ways. 
Lastly, yet another Disney star looses it. Maybe, this reoccurring them should be better looked at. 
Let me know your thoughts! 
-Kyra